Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
