The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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