We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
