Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
