watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
