no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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