So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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