pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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