i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Ladies don't puke and tell
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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