We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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