So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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