Cold hands, warm shart.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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