It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
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You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
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