i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
