i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
