Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
