I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
