I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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