Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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