Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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