You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
