Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
