We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
