i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
