I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
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I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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