Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
