We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
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You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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