you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
