Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
