i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Randomize
