I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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