I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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