I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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