Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
