My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
