A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I got inside last night via doggy door
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
