My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
