I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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