i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think people are normalizing furries
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
