The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
