This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
