apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm gonna fight the coyote
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
