Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
