My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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