Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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