I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The air taste purple.
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