My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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