remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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