I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
