We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I forget how to act sober
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
