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• (209): View more from California

  just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment

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• (209): View more from California

  I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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• (905): View more from Ontario

  ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care

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• (914): View more from New York

  I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.

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• (435): View more from Utah

  I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.

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• (618): View more from Illinois

  I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.

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• (765): View more from Indiana

  Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.

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• (647): View more from Ontario

  She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.

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