If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
