I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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