we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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