how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
