Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
