What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
