I think im going to throw up on grandma
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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